Those eyes

They pierce through my soul, as i think about them,
blue as the mid day summer skies,
deep as the sea in the Caribbean,... they hit me
every time i see them, every time i close my eyes.
Since the moment when i first saw them,
i confess now, i didn't heard you recite any more,
my love; I didn't saw you any more too.
It was just those mesmerizing blue eyes.....
between me and you.
I still remember them, as i first saw them.
They said something more than your words,
a tale of your past, your fears and your unsaid
thoughts. They still do that, when ever i am in doubt,
they still show me the way, when i could least come out.
I love them still, and i promise, i always will.

Name sake

I was just surfing the net minutes ago when suddenly without any particular reason i typed my own name in the google search engine. There emerged so many lives, so many 'SMRITI MAHAJAN's so to say- each one a story, distinct yet similar to every other perhaps.

Some one is in London, someone is a medical professional, someone is still in school and probably celebrating a recent victory in a talent hunt.... but each one, possibly with a pride in the name that is mine, and theirs, and just like me they all would think of it as their very unique entity.

I'm drowning down the past now, into all those moments where i argued, and fought just for my name sake! I wonder why now?!! It never belonged 'only' to me, it never will. I never owed it, actually it was given to me! I wonder why i felt it was special, i wonder why they think it is special...

I'm really feeling very ordinary now, not on the negative side though! I think i will always remember this fact next time when i get that 'this is me' feeling. I will never fight back again for the sake of my name, when someone will say things about 'Smriti Mahajan'- there are thousands of them, why should i bother!!

I feel so closer to him today, an inseparable part of his vast universe, where i just have a label, like everyone else, and that too is not unique. I feel so light, the weight of keeping upto my name has vanished from my shoulders. yes, i am freed from the name sake..

How lucky are we..

Thinking of the ceremonious Diwali time brings back a lot of sweet memories of all diwalis spent at home, amongst family and friends, laughter, joy, happiness..... but leaves me wondering what will be Diwali like for those who lost their loved ones this year??

A father who left for the office in the morning but never returned, a son who promised new furniture for home this diwali, but is no more to fulfill it, a mother who is missed by her kids at this very auspicious occasion, how will the Diwali be in all these homes??!!

Its scary, its sad, i know, and that is why it gives me a strange feeling of pride to think how lucky are we to be amongst people whom we love. How special every moment spent in their company is, and how special is this life that we have got to be so happy.

Always keep smiling, be happy and have a positive outlook towards life. The world no doubt will become a beautiful place to be. Always remember `I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON ON THE PLANET'. Being an astronomer i believe, our very existence at this very unique position in the Universe is the best thing that has happened to us, and emotions, care, feelings and love are added bonus. :D

Live life to its fullest, i wish you all a very happy diwali and a cheerful life ahead!
Blessings & wishes, Smriti

स्वयं दर्शन

मैं कौन हूँ, क्या हूँ? मुझे ख़ुद की तलाश है शायद … मैं जानना चाहता हूँ मैं यहाँ क्यूँ हूँ? मेरा उद्देश्य क्या है? अतीतसे मुझे सरोकार नही, भविष्य की चिंता भी नहीं है मुझे, फ़िर मैं बेचैन क्यूँ हूँ?

इस पल में कुछ कमी सी है… नहीं शायद मैं भटक रहा हूँ..

अगर मैं सर्व विद्यमान ईश्वर का अंश हूँ तो मैं दिशाहीन नही हो सकता हूँ, मैं परमात्मा का अंश आत्मा हूँ, मैंसर्वविद्यमान हूँ. न मैं था, न मैं होऊंगा, पर मैं कल भी था, आज भी हूँ और कल भी रहूँगा|

समय मैं हूँ, भूत मैं हूँ, और भविष्य भी मैं हूँ….. केवल मैं| यही मेरा परिचय है| फ़िर मैं भूल क्यूँ जाता हूँ? क्यूँ मैं कभी भाई, कभी बेटा, कभी माँ, कभी दोस्त, कभी शिक्षक, कभी शिष्य बन जाता हूँ?

ये मेरा स्वाभाव है| सर्वविद्यमान होने के लिए मुझे अनेक रूप धारण करने पड़ते हैं| तो बस मैं धारण कर लेता हूँ| किंतु भूल ये होती है की पात्र अदा करते-करते मैं उस चरित्र में ही खो जाता हूँ| मैं वही होता हूँ, परन्तु अपनाअस्तित्व मैं खो देता हूँ| यही भूल मेरे दर्द का कारण बनती है|

आज मैं उस सर्व शक्तिमान, सर्वत्र विद्यमान परमात्मा से प्रार्थना करता हूँ की हम सबका मार्गदर्शन करें| हम अपनाअस्तित्व याद रख पाएं, इस जीवन पथ पर अग्रसर होते हुए अपने प्रयोजन को सफल कर पाएं ऐसा आशीर्वादआज मैं मांगता हूँ! ॐ शान्ति!!

An evening walk.. with myself

After a long time nature mercifully provided the opportunity to take a walk in the evening. I strolled on the wet pavements of edgbaston enjoying the soft red rays of the setting sun filtering through the multi-coloured autumn leaves. The chirruping birds, distant howling of the wind, and occasionally passing by cars. It was peaceful. Even at the lake there weren't many people, 'wasting' their time; after all saturday evenings are for doing far better things! It was so peaceful there, that i lost track of where and why i am going. It was perfect to set upon a new journey, a journey to explore the 'self'.

What makes me happy or sad or angry or neutral? I was happy at that moment, talking to the trees, as i walked around the lake, smiling at the ducks, and imagining my smile reflected back from their faces, i was happy. But why? I wanted to know. There was something in that moment that was missing in my life for a long time. But what? I don't know. But it was a moment of self enlightenment. Suddenly life was beautiful again. I was a different person. I was happy. But why?

May be that is the answer. The problem is never around us, it is 'in' us. The problem exist because we allow it to exist. We don't let it go off our brains, and there it stays, ruling our actions and reactions in all its glory!! But the moment we stop giving it the importance it is enjoying, it goes away, like smoke from fire vanishes away in thin air. And that is the route to happiness.

We feel good after sharing a bad experience with a friend. It is actually not them, but their presence that make a difference. Their 'physical' presence defocus the brain from the problem, that we have been worrying for a long time and there you are!! That is probably what i experienced. I was happy because i was at peace with my 'self'.

On a lighter note to end this post, i would say remember to go on a walk when you are in trouble. It might help you, just the way i benefited!! :)

Good luck!

The day is coming..

"...क्षमा शोभित उस भुजंग को जिसके पास गरल हो,
उसका क्या जो दंतहीन विषहीन विनीत सरल हो|"
--- 'दिनकर'

These lines from Dinkar's poetry convey exactly the message we need today. Mumbai, Gujrat, Delhi,.... where next?? How long are we going to sit and watch? Blasts in the posh areas of Delhi is their message to the elite, you are not different from your country. You do not afford to sit and watch. Its their message to the government of the democratic republic of India that you are unable to save your own bed, what are you going to do about the country??

No, no more, they don't afford to arouse us like this every time. Its not a question of ego any more. Its not about land, money or power, its about our integrity now. Its an issue which hurts a billion hearts, for which a billion souls cry together. Why, why us?

I do not understand why these people fail to realise how beautiful the life is, and how short to experience it in its entirety? World history evidently speaks for itself, blood shed has never done any good to anyone. Alexander the great went on to conquer the world, but at the end got the same amount of land that a pauper gets.

Occasionally i do wonder if indeed we are standing on the verge of a periodic change- 'युग परिवर्तन' as has been stated in the Geeta. Brothers will fight, there would be blood shed and dead bodies all around, the entire human race will have to face natural as well as man-made calamities. If this was bound to happen, it is.

But the light still shines through. After every blast its not 'them' who win, its the common man- the one who leaves the safety of the home to donate blood, one who fights against all odds to carry the injured on his shoulders, the wife who takes up the responsibility of her disabled husband. Its them who win, without using weapons. Their tears adding fuel to the fire that is burning beneath the calm surface.

I can sense their tears taking the shape of a tsunami within every Indian. I could see the day when this anger will take a toll on them. The day is coming, the day of 'महाप्रलय'.

Lost and found

No, no I haven't lost my luggage or wallet or my mind either, for that matter! A quick look at the calender this morning reminded me that its exactly 2 years today that i first stepped out of home, alone, into an unknown land (UK that is, in case you are unaware of my life's history!), for a purpose which always has meant a lot to me. When I took the first step and my biggest dream was about to turn into a reality. This very thought brought with it a lot of memories of the past and as is human nature i got into evaluating what i lost and found during this journey.

I lost the family life, the good times with friends, but achieved a lot too! Met great friends here, a fatherly figure, with whom i share such a complex relation that i am never sure to address him as a friend or not; and introduction to several cultures of the world, some of which didn't even existed for me before this moment and finally.... i now proudly introduce myself as an ASTRONOMER. Traveling across Europe (Germany, Canary islands, Ireland, Spain to name a few) and meeting people from across the globe has been an amazingly pleasant and thrilling experience. We all grow up, at some point in our lives, but for me the process is precisely confined in these last 2 years.

The journey has been beautiful one, though with mixed emotions. I now find people more precious than they ever were to me. I value time spent in their company more than anything now. I understand what it means to live 'for the moment'.

Love u all, a tough journey has been a pleasant one because of you and i hope the rest of it will become easier too. Take care!

श्रधांजलि

''सुनूँ क्या सिन्धु मैं गर्जन तुम्हारा, स्वयं युग-धर्म का हुंकार हूँ मैं,
या मरते मानव की विजय का दूर्य हूँ मैं, उर्वशी अपने समय का सूर्य हूँ मैं|''
--- 'दिनकर'

छायावाद के एक महानतम कवि को उनके जन्म शताब्दी वर्ष पर शत शत नमन |

'जानता है तू की मैं कितना पुराना हूँ,
मैं चुका हूँ देख मन को जन्मते मरते,
और लाखों बार तुझसे पागलों को भी
चांदनी में बैठ स्वप्नों पर सही करते|
आदमी का स्वप्न है वो बुलबुला जल का,
आज उड़ता और कल फ़िर फूट जाता है;
किंतु फ़िर भी धन्य ठेहरा आदमी ही तो
बुलबुलों से खेलता कविता बनाता है|'
--- रामधारी सिंह 'दिनकर'

रौशनी की ओर...

अंधियारी सड़क पर चलते हुए
एक मोड़ पर दिख गई रौशनी इक ओर,
मैं बढ चला उसी ठोर;
हर कदम वो मुझ से दूर जाती रही,
मुझे पास बुलाती रही, और मैं बढता
गया उसी ओर, उस रौशनी की ठोर|
हर कदम पर याद आई वो चिडिया
जो तिनका तिनका जोड़ कर,
घर बनाया करती थी,छत से रोज़
गिरा देते थे उसका घोंसला, वो
फ़िर नया बनाया करती थी,
वो बुडिया जो दादी की कहानियों में
रोज़ आया करती थी, लकडियाँ
काट कर रोज़ खाना पकाया
करती थी, और फ़िर याद आया वो
मज़दूर जिसे स्कूल बस से देखा
करता था, रोज़ चाय की दुकान
पे वो सुबह सुबह रात की
रोटी चखता था|
इन सब को भी नज़र आई
होगी शायद यही रौशनी,
जो आज मुझे अचानक अंधियारी
सड़क पे चलते हुए, गली के उस छोर
पे दिख गई, और मैं बढ चला
उसकी ठोर, उस रौशनी की ओर...

This is not what i want

I spent last few weeks with family and friends, as it so happens, distance from home has made them even more special. This time especially I just couldn't help wondering why i was more happy with them in the scorching heat of Delhi, even if they were busy in their own lives where i was not involved? Was it just their vibes that soothed me all day in those rooms, where i sat by myself or with mom. Are they really having such a strong influence on me that i feel almost dead without their vibes? .... WHY

Its 5 days since the beautiful vacation got over, but i am still trying to get back to 'normal' life. The weather is pleasantly cold (compared to Delhi!), the streets, remarkably clean with very sophisticated mannequins moving around with plastic smiles, i do not have to cook for several people covered in sweat, but i am not happy. ''This is not what i want'' i keep saying to myself.

I an sure we all go through this phase once in a while, i too have before, but this time it is just taking over me completely. My greatest rescue, my work, is also not helping because i am feeling lost. Lost in all aspects of life. So lost that lately i have been asking myself ''is this really me?''. May be not, this is not the real me. My friends and family will portray me as an embodiment of strength and courage, which i won't be surprised to hear, if goes to the extremes of being heartless. But this simpleton, shedding tears day and night just with one thought ''This is not what i want'' is not me.

I am not writing this to gain any sympathy or to tell you how i feel, but probably just to re-discover myself. But do tell me if you ever felt the way i do, if it ever so happened that your unfulfilled desires took away (momentarily) all the precious moments and left you wondering, that is not what i wanted.

उस प्याले से प्यार मुझे जो
दूर हथेली से प्याला,
उस हाला से चाव मुझे जो,
दूर अधर-मुख से हाला;
प्यार नहीं पा जाने में है,
पाने के अरमानों में!
पा जाता तब, हाय, न इतनी
प्यारी लगती मधुशाला|

-- बच्चन (मधुशाला)

from my balcony

''मधुर भावनाओं की सुमधुर नित्य बनाता हूँ हाला,
भरता हूँ इस मधु से अपने अंतर का प्यासा प्याला,
उठा कल्पना के हाथों से स्वयं उसे पी जाता हूँ,
अपने ही में हूँ मैं साकी, पीनेवाला, मधुशाला।।''
-- बच्चन

Looking out of the window, at these mysterious patterns in the sky i could not help realising that the voice was missing... the voice within me. But although at peace with the self, i'm not calm. There is something missing. Something i can not define because it is nothing in particular, but it is missing. All i know, i would have been happier in its presence, but i don't know where to find it.
Am i excited about going to Delhi? Am i thinking about work? What am i searching for? I feel utterly confused... but this phrase from Bachchan sahab's Madhushala defines me at this moment the best.

With a cup of Earl grey in my hand i'm trying to find that lost peace, wish me luck!

Good night

The seven daughters of Eve

I was introduced to the bestseller titled above by my advisor. An urge to explore, and love for reading finally led me to Waterstone's last week. I am still in the process of reading it, but the amazing story of how all of us in europe and many other parts of the world trace back our genetic past to just 7 women who lived thousands of years ago, intrigues me and provoked several thoughts to which i seldom have answers.
Written by Prof.Bryan Sykes, The seven daughters of eve is a story of the scientific journey of the discovery of our identity. The very idea, that the present holds the key to the questions about the past, is a novel one in itself. Moreover it has left me wondering that if this is true for the entire world, and just like all other species, we humans have developed special characteristics (like darker skin) over a period of time to suit the physical conditions, then it is so ironical that today we are killing each other to prove our own superiority.
Irrespective of who i am: a creationist, believing in the supreme powers of the super natural, or evolutionist, believing in the power of nature, survival by natural selection, one fact remains undeniable: We all belong to each other. How can we go against our own family then? We, the smartest species on this unique planet, fail to understand the difference between our responsibilities as a member of the human family. We still need to learn
from trillions of examples in the animal kingdom, where creatures of the same species, and even those of closely related ones, never harm one another. We are coming close to the same point in the circle from where we began in the stone age. the only aim of life was to survive, like that of most animals. Why are we the smartest species then? Shouldn't we have aims for life different than the masses (read other species)? we have come a long way, but we have a long one to cover still....

Time...

A random thought as i do get sometime, inspired me to make an attempt to express myself on this rainy dark evening today. `Time' as we call it, running through the day-to-day life, worrying about work, family, needs, one thing that we all complaint about rather casually is the lack of time. The voice asked me what is 'Time'? And as i have always done, i'm trying to think what is it? It is the flow which is carrying us.. but then how can we complaint about it? Memories that bring with them tears of joy and sorrow.. they are a part of our lives, us, then how can we complaint about it? The hope for tomorrow's prosperity for which we give up our present.. but then how can we.........

I fail to understand the concept of 'Time'! Let me tell you more about the voice i mentioned before. This is the voice i hear when i need it the most, and when i think i do not need at all. This is the one which kept telling me before every tough exam, 'you'll be fine', and i did appeared well. The voice tells me what to do and what to ignore. I am dictated by it sometimes, but sometimes i think it does listen to me too. It helps me to choose gifts for my family, to choose my words for people i meet everyday, to choose what i should do in the precious 24hrs i get whenever the sun rises, just like today it told me to talk to you.

Sometimes i do wonder i control the voice but actually i do not, just like i think i spend my time as i please but actually 'time' decides my action. The voice has been with me day and night, since i was born, and will continue to do so, just as time will continue to carry me with its flow. Sometimes i wonder if they are one..