This is not what i want

I spent last few weeks with family and friends, as it so happens, distance from home has made them even more special. This time especially I just couldn't help wondering why i was more happy with them in the scorching heat of Delhi, even if they were busy in their own lives where i was not involved? Was it just their vibes that soothed me all day in those rooms, where i sat by myself or with mom. Are they really having such a strong influence on me that i feel almost dead without their vibes? .... WHY

Its 5 days since the beautiful vacation got over, but i am still trying to get back to 'normal' life. The weather is pleasantly cold (compared to Delhi!), the streets, remarkably clean with very sophisticated mannequins moving around with plastic smiles, i do not have to cook for several people covered in sweat, but i am not happy. ''This is not what i want'' i keep saying to myself.

I an sure we all go through this phase once in a while, i too have before, but this time it is just taking over me completely. My greatest rescue, my work, is also not helping because i am feeling lost. Lost in all aspects of life. So lost that lately i have been asking myself ''is this really me?''. May be not, this is not the real me. My friends and family will portray me as an embodiment of strength and courage, which i won't be surprised to hear, if goes to the extremes of being heartless. But this simpleton, shedding tears day and night just with one thought ''This is not what i want'' is not me.

I am not writing this to gain any sympathy or to tell you how i feel, but probably just to re-discover myself. But do tell me if you ever felt the way i do, if it ever so happened that your unfulfilled desires took away (momentarily) all the precious moments and left you wondering, that is not what i wanted.

उस प्याले से प्यार मुझे जो
दूर हथेली से प्याला,
उस हाला से चाव मुझे जो,
दूर अधर-मुख से हाला;
प्यार नहीं पा जाने में है,
पाने के अरमानों में!
पा जाता तब, हाय, न इतनी
प्यारी लगती मधुशाला|

-- बच्चन (मधुशाला)