I don't know!

I am wondering if it is the ‘I don’t know’ aspect of life that keeps us going, keeps it interesting. It is like hiking, following a trail, which gets tough at times, easy on others, I meet fellow hikers, I forget all pain and hardship occasionally when I admire the view of the valley from the summit, I carry on, knowing it is just going to be trees and trail, sky and mud at every new step forward, but yet the excitement does not diminishes. I so wish not to encounter the inhabitants of the forest, but somewhere within me I prepare myself for the adventure and so want it to happen, for the sake of ‘adventure’!

Life is as interesting, as predictably unpredictable and as knowingly unknown as a trail! But deciding to end the rendezvous with trail is in my hands, life just goes on, with its own steady pace, but sometimes too fast that it scares me that if I fail to keep up with it, it is going to be destructive.

Memories of the hikers I met in the past, surround me in those silent, dark, lonely evenings. For some of them I wonder what they are up to, for some I make a silent wish and hope they do well what ever, where ever. Some haunt me, and I think why I met them in the first place, some bring a smile on my face, some bring a tear. Some of them bring a strange pain, so dreadful that I want to return at that moment and start running to the point where I met them hoping to see them again, wishing to hug them, tell them how I felt, that the trail is going to be even more beautiful with their company to cherish for, but then my rational brain stops me. They are not going to be there. They would have moved on. Just like I did. I regret. May be shed a tear or two. Cry myself to sleep or get lost in the world of more memories- happy but painful. But then I am hopeful of a new day. A new beginning. Sometimes, of meeting them again. Often turning back to see if there is any trace of the ones I so wish to see. My practical brain ‘knows’ it won’t happen, my optimism assures me it will. The rational voice that follows me all the time, replies the same way as it mostly does, ‘I don’t know’!

from my balcony

''मधुर भावनाओं की सुमधुर नित्य बनाता हूँ हाला,
भरता हूँ इस मधु से अपने अंतर का प्यासा प्याला,
उठा कल्पना के हाथों से स्वयं उसे पी जाता हूँ,
अपने ही में हूँ मैं साकी, पीनेवाला, मधुशाला।।''
-- बच्चन

Looking out of the window, at these mysterious patterns in the sky i could not help realising that the voice was missing... the voice within me. But although at peace with the self, i'm not calm. There is something missing. Something i can not define because it is nothing in particular, but it is missing. All i know, i would have been happier in its presence, but i don't know where to find it.
Am i excited about going to Delhi? Am i thinking about work? What am i searching for? I feel utterly confused... but this phrase from Bachchan sahab's Madhushala defines me at this moment the best.

With a cup of Earl grey in my hand i'm trying to find that lost peace, wish me luck!

Good night

Time...

A random thought as i do get sometime, inspired me to make an attempt to express myself on this rainy dark evening today. `Time' as we call it, running through the day-to-day life, worrying about work, family, needs, one thing that we all complaint about rather casually is the lack of time. The voice asked me what is 'Time'? And as i have always done, i'm trying to think what is it? It is the flow which is carrying us.. but then how can we complaint about it? Memories that bring with them tears of joy and sorrow.. they are a part of our lives, us, then how can we complaint about it? The hope for tomorrow's prosperity for which we give up our present.. but then how can we.........

I fail to understand the concept of 'Time'! Let me tell you more about the voice i mentioned before. This is the voice i hear when i need it the most, and when i think i do not need at all. This is the one which kept telling me before every tough exam, 'you'll be fine', and i did appeared well. The voice tells me what to do and what to ignore. I am dictated by it sometimes, but sometimes i think it does listen to me too. It helps me to choose gifts for my family, to choose my words for people i meet everyday, to choose what i should do in the precious 24hrs i get whenever the sun rises, just like today it told me to talk to you.

Sometimes i do wonder i control the voice but actually i do not, just like i think i spend my time as i please but actually 'time' decides my action. The voice has been with me day and night, since i was born, and will continue to do so, just as time will continue to carry me with its flow. Sometimes i wonder if they are one..